Beyond Birthday's Guide to Suicide
by chibichan998
Summary: Part 2 of Guide to the Perfect Murder. Not to be taken seriously.


Life got you down? Do you hate yourself? Did your girlfriend leave you or blow your best friend? Do you have no family or purpose in life? Have no money? Humped a plastic cup? Voted to elect shrubbery into office? Flaming Conservative? Pro-Life Liberal? Why go on living with all this gut wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself, also known as "Suicide". With suicide, you can just release all that pent up guilt and let your soul go free. Fail anything but don't fail becoming an hero. Here's everything that you will need to commit suicide successfully.

By clicking on the link that brought you here, you have made a legally binding agreement that for whatever reason, you want your life ended or the knowledge on how to end it. This is not a guide against suicide, but to suicide. Some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others and some may be totally ineffective. Since you've waived your rights to any and all legal recourse, any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.

If you still want someone to point you to the meaning of life, there are plenty of cults whose priests will eagerly feed you manufacturer approved thoughts so that you may make the most intelligent and balanced decision on what to make with your life.

**Reasons to Commit Suicide**

There are many reasons to commit suicide: girlfriend, life, job, or any number of teeny teenybopper/emo/scene reasons. But you need specific reasons to commit suicide, if you just commit suicide for the hell of it, then it wouldn't count. You'd just be doing so for your own enjoyment, selfish jerk. Some of the valid reasons to commit suicide are included in a convenient list for you below:

- Your boyfriend/girlfriend/mom/whore left you.  
- Your wife/mom/husband/dad left you for your boyfriend/girlfriend.  
- You broke your favorite thing by playing with it too much  
- A grue is about to do the job for you.  
- Your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/kitten/whore is about to do the job for you.  
- You just realized that life isn't worth living.  
- You wasted all your money on "I Love Saddam" commemorative plates  
- You are emo and thus it is your duty to commit suicide  
- Demons have staked a claim to your underwear drawer  
- You need to do so so L wouldn't be able to solve the case

If you just kill yourself without following these reasons then you cannot set your soul free. Then again, if you just kill yourself it would be much faster and easier.

**Methods of committing suicide**

If you plan to do this, then you will need to know the various methods of committing suicide. These particular methods have been painstakingly researched and you will have a 99.997% chance that you will be dead. In addition, following these methods will change how people think of you. Some of them will think you are a maniac, others will think that you're desperate, while a select few will realize that they love you but only once you're dead. But whatever you do, just do it!

**Method 1: Jumping Off**

You will need:

- A good high building or cliff  
- No regrets  
- Optional equipment: A cape

Locate a nice high building or cliff to jump off of.  
Go to the top.  
Jump.  
Do a flip.  
Do a barrel roll.  
Rinse.  
Repeat.  
Die.  
This method has a number of advantages. It's simple. It's dramatic. You can save on funeral costs and have yourself buried in a pizza box. On the other hand, if it's raining, your clothes will get soaked and your body will just wash down the drain. Also, it's just not terribly original. Dozens of people try to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge every year. Boring. (Make sure to do the flip cause you never know, you might get a perfect ten.)

**Method 2: Complete Exsanguination**

You will need:

- A sharp object. Razors, scissors, broken glass, or biting criticism all work  
- A rafter or other high support  
- A Rope

Using the rope, tie your ankles together so that you are hanging from the rafters in a head-down posture.  
Grasp the sharp object in your hand, and draw it swiftly across your neck. Be sure to cut deep enough so that you get all four major blood vessels.  
Make a puddle on the floor. Or use a bucket for the Red Cross. Or use a bucket for a local vampire bat family. Or for me.  
Admire your handiwork.  
Anyone can kill themselves by slitting their wrists. A true artist goes for a complete exsanguination. For extra credit, tie your wrists to your ankles to complete the Long Pig allusion.

**Method 3: Jumping off a Plane**

You will need:

- Plane Ticket

Make a Skydiving Reservation  
Ignore instructor during flight  
Refuse parachute and jump to your death  
Optional: Aim for pigeons as you plummet  
Optional: Wear a cape and a superman suit  
For those of you that have never liked to listen to directions, this is an obvious choice. You get to your goal and continue your longstanding tradition of ignoring the words of others.

**Method 4: Car Death**

You will need

- Some sort of motoring infrastructure such as a road with cars, trucks or buses

Find a speeding car.  
Wait until the car is in range.  
Walk in front of the car and watch as the car hits you.  
You're dead, nothing to it.  
Unless they swerve and kill someone else in the process. But, then you'll have even MORE reason to die! ^_^  
This method is recommended for those people that loathe all the crass materialism involved with other suicide methods. Even the luxury of clothes is not required with this method. Those Capitalist Pigs will rue the day your naked form destroys their precious sports car. THANK GOD!

**Method 5: Suicide Bombing**

You will need

- Atomic bomb  
- A location where someone carrying an atom bomb won't look out of place. New York is good for this: nothing looks out of place in New York.  
- Religious tract of your choice. The Kama Sutra is a particularly good option, but you could also try the Book of Common Prayer or the Analects

Walk to a suitable street corner. Street corners are the proper place to do anything important in New York.  
Set up them the bomb.  
Yell something incomprehensible in a foreign language. Some possibilities are "MA BITE EST EN FEU !" or "9時から布団4枚!"  
Generate a mushroom cloud.  
If you've ever wanted to have your passing remembered, this is the method for you. However, it is wise to make sure that before you blow yourself up you make sure people know who you are. You don't want someone else hogging all the glory, do you?

**Method 6: Great White Shark**

You will need

- A plane ticket to Hawaii, Australia, South Africa or other shark-infested waters  
boat  
- string  
- chum  
- Peterson's Field Guide To Sharks  
- Life Jacket  
- A sharp object (optional)

Find shark-infested waters. The Great Barrier Reef is perfect, but Hawaii will do.  
Rent a boat and head offshore into deep water. Make sure you pack a life preserver and a whistle ency.  
Pour some chum over yourself and a bucket's worth into the water.  
Wait for the fins to appear- this is important! If you get in the water before the sharks appear, you may die of hypothermia before you get eaten.  
If you do not see any fins, cut your self and put your hand into the water. They should speed towards you.  
This is where the field guide comes in- you want to make sure it's a great white that eats you. Death by blue shark just doesn't sound as cool.  
When you see a big one, hop right in.  
The shark does the rest.

**Method 7: Pop Rocks & Coke**

You will need

- Coke, as many as possible  
- Pop Rocks

First, you're gonna need to lie down, naked, on the couch.  
Open the cokes and the pop rocks.  
Put the packet of pop rocks in each of the coke cans.  
Now pour it ALL over your body.  
This should dissolve into your body and eventually, you fall asleep and die.

**Method 8: Emotionally Disturbing Piano Wire Beheading**

You will need

- Superglue  
- Piano wire

Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place. Stand on top of it with lots of piano wire and some superglue.  
Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 5 meters short of the ground to your ankles. Secure the other end to the top of the building.  
Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 10 meters short of the ground in a lasso around your neck, so it can tighten when pulled. Secure the other end to the top of the building.  
Glue your hands to your head so that you can't go back.  
Jump!  
The result: at 10 meters from the ground, the piano wire around your neck will tighten and slice your head off. Your head will, however, not fall because it is stuck to your hand. You will be found dangling upside down 5 meters from the ground with your head stuck to your hand.

And a record 45,099 people have killed themselves after witnessing a piano-wire suicide and the number just keeps rising. What a coincidence!

**Method 9: Overkill**

You will need

- Gun  
- Piano wire/Good rope  
- Portable pool  
- Sharks  
- Tall Building  
- A friend

This method is for those who have actually failed at failing. (And even if you do manage to bungle this sure fire method...well...it's still entertaining ;D)

Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place.  
Get to the roof. Remember, use the stairs, not the elevator. You don't want to die from a faulty elevator!  
Tie a noose around your neck, and secure it to the building. Make sure the rope extends to the bottom, so you hit the ground and still break your neck. Alternatively, you may use the piano wire method above.  
Get a friend to position a pool at the bottom, and dump the sharks into it.  
Load the gun, and stick it inside your mouth.  
Jump!  
What will happen: The rope should kill you, ripping your head off as you hit the bottom. If the rope breaks, the fall would still kill you. If THAT doesn't work, you can still pull the trigger for the gun and blow your brains out. What? Still not dead? Then the sharks will eat you. And if by some cruel twist of fate, you still don't die, you'll drown and be unable to escape, thanks to the broken legs from the fall. This is recommended for Emos, who seem to be completely unable to kill themselves.

**Other Methods**

**Methods To Just Die Quickly**

- Touching a live 220V wire: it causes certain death within one minute and leaves the yummy smell of bacon.  
- Taunt Chuck Norris: Really painful, really quick and extremely deadly. Chuck could actually kill you as quickly as Domo-kun does but it would leave no time for you to feel pain.  
- Taunt Mello: She'll-I mean, he'll just shoot you (period) You won't even have a problem pissing this one off.  
- Use the Death Note

**Methods To Die Quickly Without Pain**

- Kitten overdose: you'll die within an hour but you may be revived with a 35 ml (1.25 fl oz) sulfuric acid anal suppository.  
- Guillotine: effective within 20 seconds. It is still not possible to get your head sewn back on time.  
- Use the Death Note

**Methods To Die Slowly Without Any Possible Notice**

- Caffeinated beverages (except beer): Once you hit the optimal level, you vibrate so much you slowly disappear from existence.  
- Attempting to read a program written in Perl or APL.  
- Listen constantly to Conservative Talk Radio, this leads to lack of all motivation and independent thought. Warning: You may get officially declared a zombie and get shot in the head, which is neither a slow nor painless form of death.  
- Death by me: I will just have to put you to a deep sleep. So deep, you won't feel a thing. =)  
- Use the Death Note

**Methods To Die Slowly and Painfully **

- Disbelief in Cthulhu: You get eaten last and are chewed for much, much longer.  
- Read anything by James Joyce, especially Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man  
- Death by bear: attempt to kill a full grown grizzly bear using nothing but a single banana as weapon and try to delude yourself that the banana is a gun.  
- Create a temporal paradox where you become your own parents, your boyfriend and boss. Agonize over your life choices and drown your sorrows in liquor and pie.  
- Burn yourself: Doesn't work 100% all the time...'nuff said...  
- Use the Death Note

**What Now, Dude?**  
Nothing. You're dead. IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS THEN YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG, VERY VERY WRONG! Go back and try a different method. Perhaps a cup of coffee or tea or a jar of jam before you try again might be in order.


End file.
